I’m still on the edge most moments. Here or there I can feel my eyes go still and I sink back up into my head. Is life lived on the edge of that crying feeling? where your skin lights up like buzzing, soft electricity and your soul: your chest and belly and throat feel like they are going to try to turn you inside out. I don’t know. That’s how it feels.
Tha Carter VI is a really good album. I’ve been listening to a lot of hip-hop, funk, and motown. I kinda want to be back in Michigan. I kinda want to stay here. Most days I don’t know what I want anymore except to be happy and see Sawyer happy. Some days I want to buy things, other days I want to go to the library or fish or try to not say a word or eat no meat or not eat at all. Most days I could eat pizza.
I’ve been reading a lot. I’m reading Where The Axe Is Buried now. I’ve read Coupland’s Microserfs and JPod. I feel tired a lot. I thought it was my phone so I’ve stopped using it as much and I still feel tired. I’m thinking maybe it’s not really the phone and it’s just life and it’s being a parent to a 7-year old boy. That’s cool. What else is there to do? I try to remind myself of that. Where else is there to go? There’s no Heaven at the end of all the time we save. There’s only Heaven when our time runs out.
I feel like I’m going through a tough stretch, and I feel like I know quite a few people going through tough stretches. You never think it will happen, I guess. Maybe once you’ve been around long enough you start to be a part of those things. Maybe when you’ve been around long enough you start to feel how the Universe is deciding what to do with you. And then maybe you’re around long enough to see others going through those things and you sit back and remember going through those things and it’s easier to let the sun shine on each day. Life is tough. Is it beautiful? I don’t know. Maybe it depends on the day. And maybe that’s what life is all about. Maybe that’s the homework.
I miss football and cheap housing. I miss good Indian and Thai food. I miss really good Nepalese food. I wish Togos wasn’t so expensive. I wish it didn’t feel like Sawyer’s school performance was so important and consequential. I wish he got graded on handball and the things he enjoys. I wish we all did.
I tried to write a poem in March after getting my books from the library at Cal. I think I was crying most of the time walking through campus. It made me really tired. It made me think about how many people we pass every day might be crying like I was during that walk.
I want to be swallowed up by you Berkeley
and disappear so people see
tall and strong
to be a part inside growing
because my mom just died
and now I feel I am missing
so I want to be gone in the gray skies
and green trees
to only kick through the foam
for a path where she’s back
or I’m gone too.
I’ve lost my walls
my roof.
I don’t need anything now.
I’m just waiting now.
dirttoleaves.com 