Do so many of us actually like being alone, or do we like being alone with our phone? I don’t know the answer. I’ve been thinking about my phone a lot recently. I mean, I think about it constantly, but I’ve been thinking about how I think about it constantly recently. Why is that? why do I think about it constantly? I think about it so constantly that I don’t even realize I’m thinking about my phone until I pause mid-reach and wonder what I’m reaching for. What is the next thing I’m going to do and why do I want to do it?
I’m going to open instagram. Why? I don’t really know. Maybe there will be something new there. I see funny videos there. Maybe somebody has shared a funny video with me. But that check turns into being on instagram for much longer than that check actually takes. And what do I do? I don’t really know. I watch videos. I look at pictures. I search profiles and look at their pictures or videos. How does it make me feel? I think it can make me feel happy in the moment. But I think it can also make me feel tired. It can make me wonder where my day went. What did I do with those 15 minutes? Why does it feel like I did a lot more than just sitting, hunched over a screen, looking at media? And what do I get for that tired feeling? I don’t really know. I think it makes me tired. It feels like all I get is a stronger desire to do it again. Maybe that will make me feel not tired.
I’m going to check my messages, my email, my whatsapp. Why? well maybe someone sent me a message. Maybe something important has come through. What could be that important that I’m checking at least once every 10mins? I don’t know. Money stuff? Kid stuff? Any kid stuff and I would be getting a phone call. My phone notifications are not silenced. When I walk out of the room where my phone is to use the bathroom or whatever, I come back to the room and have this anxiety like I might have missed something. I need to check my phone. It feels like a magnet or planet sucking me into its warped fabric.
I can’t escape but maybe I can hide. I don’t know. This is the modern world. I like practicing the stopping mid-reach even if the reach is just that signal I feel in my brain and my body to start the reach. Why? Why?
I can look out the window instead. I don’t have to share it with anyone. I can daydream and then I can let it go. I can remember memories. I can pick up a book, but I also don’t have to. I can write in my journal but I also don’t have to. I can stretch. I can put the dishes away. I can touch something. Grab it, feel its texture, notice if heat is leaving or coming into me. I can notice all of the mundane details that make up everything around me and not say or type a word. I can go slow. I can feel my brain slow down when I go slow. Sometimes the brain leads, sometimes the body leads. I can feel them become one. I can pay attention.
I can rest, alone, knowing I’m not alone. Knowing that the world can wait for me too; that even though we are the same, sometimes the ones need to step away. Sometimes I need to lead. I lead by being quiet, putting a window between me and the forest.
But it’s hard, and that’s ok. Life is long. Time is long. I can keep practicing. I’m a child yet and will be one forever. There always more to learn, more to do.
But the quiet is nice today, Cesar Chavez day 2025. I’m off. My kid is in school. Life is good. It is restful if I choose it to be.
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